have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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