I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Send help, water and tortillas.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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