Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
