Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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