Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
