I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
