I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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