I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Randomize
