remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
