There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
