remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
