Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
