and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
