I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
