when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
