I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
