I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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