i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
