i love accidental penises.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
