i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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