grandma shit on top of the toilet
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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