i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
