just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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