my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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