I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
