I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
