I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize