She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
