I want to stick my p in your. b.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
