dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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