i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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