TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
