So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Every concussion has its silver lining
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I was not drunk enough for that final.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
