every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
