I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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