The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
