It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
