How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
