you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
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WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
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I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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