I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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