Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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