He uses pillows to masturbate.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
