pop tarts are not kleenex
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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