i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
