Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
