If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
