i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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