Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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