she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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