i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
