the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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