New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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