First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
