some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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